The following passages I wrote in preparation of Asa's death. You see, it became somehow easier to accept his death, rather than relive it over and over each time they found something else wrong. I am thankful that I wrote it. Someday, he will read it.

Until I had experienced the loss of a child, I really hadn't thought much about what it must have been like for Heavenly Father to allow his Only Begotten to come to earth, knowing that he would suffer, bleed, and die for each of us.

Heavenly Father knows the beginning from the end and everything in between. He knew from the very beginning that his precious Son had a great mission. He knew that our Savior would suffer for our sins and feel more pain than any of us could bare.

I can only begin to imagine how difficult this might have been for our Heavenly Father. I know that it is excruciatingly painful to live through the death of a child. For A mother it is a physical pain as well as spiritual and emotional. Father in Heaven knew what his Son would suffer. Only a loving Heavenly Father, with his eternal perspective could allow his plan to be fulfilled.

Our dearest Savior. It is not hard too see that he inherited divine qualities. He demonstrated his great love for us as he voluntarily laid down his life on our behalf. His special mission here on earth was to do his Father's will-“to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man (Moses 1:39).

President Ezra Taft Benson explained the Savior's gift of love to us: “Because He was God-even the Son of God-He could carry the weight and burden of other men's sins on Himself.

That holy unselfish act of voluntarily taking on Himself the sins of all other men is the Atonement. How one could bear the sins for all is beyond the comprehension of mortal man. But this I know: he did take on Himself the sins of all and did so out of His infinite love for each of us. He has said: ‘For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent; … Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit-and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink’ (D&C 19:16, 18).

In spite of that excruciating ordeal, He took the cup and drank. He suffered the pains of all men so we would not have to suffer. He endured the humiliation and insults of His persecutors without complaint or retaliation. He bore the flogging and then the ignominy of the brutal execution-the cross.

President Marion G. Romney expressed Christ’s love in this way: “This was the world's supreme act of charity, performed by Jesus out of his great love for us. He not only thereby met the demands of the law of justice-which would have left us forever marred by the effects of our own transgressions-but made effective the law of mercy, through which all men may be cleansed from their sin.

While dealing with the death of little ones is not easy, there is much in life that is not easy. I have been given very special blessings to see me through the time I must wait to hold my little Asa and my little Hayley.

During one of the most trying times in my life, a few days after the death of our little girl, Bruce received a letter from an old High School Classmate. In the letter she expressed her sincere sympathy for our loss. She explained that she understood the agony we were going through, and suggested a book that had helped her through her ordeal. It seems she had lost her 4 year old son in a horrible accident, not long before our daughter passed. I began reading the book, and was overwhelmed with sadness for her. It seems the view of this particular Rabbi was, God had taken his child because he had loved him more than he loved God. He did however seem to view this as a blessing.

I felt the immediate need to write this young mother and tell her of my testimony. That her precious little one was not taken from her by a vain God. Her Father in Heaven loved her, loved her child, and that it was my belief that her son had such a valiant spirit, he did not need to stay on the Earth any longer. Also, that our loving Father in Heaven had promised that if we would live worthy, that our children would be returned to our arms not one second older to raise in a wondrous day when satan would be bound.

As I wrote these words to her, I felt a strong spirit completely surround me. It was a most beautiful feeling. The best way I can describe it, is that I felt light, and like I was walking 3 feet off the ground. It was total peace and joy. Having only felt something similar to that while my daughters spirit lingered at her funeral, I desired to know if it indeed was her that was there with me again. I knelt in prayer by her crib and prayed to my Father to know if it was her. Immediately, I heard the name "Jamie" . This puzzled me. I did not understand. I felt the insistence to reread the letter. There I found that Jamie was the little boy whose mother had lovingly sent the only words she knew to offer us comfort.

This experience, along with the blessing of being able to feel my daughters spirit whenever I have needed to, and of course comfort of the Holy spirit, has given me strength to learn from these blessings. I've also been blessed with a wonderful family who loves my children very much.

When people ask me "How many children do you have?" I answer, then see them doing the math in their head, it does not quite add up, a puzzled look, and I explain, "I have 4 children living. 2 that have passed away." Or my newest favorite answer " I have two children serving full time missions in the spirit world, and four living."

One thing a parent fears most about loosing their child, is that they will be forgotten. This has often crossed my mind. I think how my dear Father in Heaven must feel when we forget our Savior.

During the discovery phase of this trial, when we were finding out the different circumstances, consequences and survival chances for Asa, I can recall making the comment to a Dr. "I believe there are some things worse than death." At that time I was referring to Asa's probability of being so severely neurologically damaged, that he would not be able to progress past the stage of infancy, or to communicate in anyway.

There are some things worse than death. For Asa, and Hayley, I know they are safe. They are serving the Lord, and I will be with them again, so long as I fulfill my covenants to the Father. However, I have 4 other children and many dear family members that I want to be with also. Remember this day. Remember how painful it is to be away from someone you love. Don't let it be permanant.

I know that my Father in Heaven lives. He is just and loving. He has provided us with a Savior so that we can return to live with him. Families can be eternal. Though we face great trials and tribulations in this life, it is to prepare us for exaltation. We must learn to see them as blessings. If you can not find peace and joy in your life, maybe you have forgotten your Savior.

If you would like to know more about The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, or more about what we believe concerning the Salvation Of little Children These links will help.